Friday 29 August 2008

WALK WITHIN YOU

I dedicate my entry today to my late husband Nicholas who tragically and unexpectedly departed this world, and mine, 30th August 2004, two days before our 4th wedding anniversary. Since Nicholas’s death I have never allowed myself to build up to a day of mourning just because a date or an anniversary suggests you should. The pain of bereavement will hit you when you are least expecting it, so do not offer it an invitation or beckon it in with open arms. Today is a happy day.

Because of the untimely and unexpected death of my husband I was left with an overwhelming feeling of anger and guilt. My car became my personal space and an instrument of torture, every time I journeyed alone I would scream, shout, cry and blame the world for how I was feeling. I began to dread getting into the car alone, but I needed to get out of the house and would during the first arduous phase of my bereavement regularly visit my sister and her husband. It was during one such visit that my brother-in-law lent me a book, The Smoke Jumper - Nicholas Evans (the author’s name a pure coincidence), I remember little of the book as I remember little of many things at this time, except for a poem within the book which I will always remember as it provided me with some solace. I kept a copy of it and would read it when grief attempted to fall upon me:

If I be the first to die,
Let grief not blacken long your sky.
Be bold yet modest in your grieving.
There is a change but not a leaving.
For just as death is part of life,
The dead live on forever in the living.
And all the gathered riches of our journey,
The moments shared, the mysteries explored,
The steady layering of intimacy stored,
The things that made us laugh or weep or sing,
The joy of sunlit snow or first unfurling of the spring,
The wordless language of look and touch,
The knowing,
Each giving and each taking,
These are not flowers that fade,
Nor trees that fall and crumble,
Nor are they stone,
For even stone cannot the wind and rain withstand
And the mighty mountain peaks in time reduce to sand.
What we were, we are.
What we had, we have.
A conjoined past imperishably present.
So when you walk the woods where once we walked together
And scan in vain the dappled bank beside you for my shadow,
Or pause where we always did upon the hill to gaze across the land,
And spotting something, reach by habit for my hand,
And finding none, feel sorrow start to steal upon you,
Be still.
Close your eyes.
Breathe.
Listen for my footfall in your heart.
I am not gone but merely walk within you.

In August 2007 whilst travelling to Lancashire alone in my car the pain of bereavement struck me again, I cried the kind of cry that comes from the depth of your stomach, I screamed as I had not screamed since the early months following Nicholas’s death, then slowly and calmly I felt something lift away from me and it was as if Nicholas was letting me go and saying,

"Goodbye Julie, live your life and let me go."

I know exactly where I was on that journey when he said goodbye, and I will always remember the place.

Thank you Nicholas for the time we shared and for the unconditional love you gave to me during our brief but precious time together.

Today I can remember you with peace and love in my heart and a smile on my face.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING SUNDAY?

Do you want to 'kick back' at commercialism but don't know where to start or where to go ...... then bake bread! When recently discussing the possibility of embarking upon some voluntary work, a friend of mine told me to look at the following wed site http://www.resurgence.org/trust/
SLOW SUNDAY is when readers of Resurgence are invited to undertake a small meaningfull and simple action that symbolises a rejection of commercialism, a passion for the planet and a desire for change. The more people that join in then the greater the impact.... 28th September follows the theme of BAKE BREAD TO SAVE THE PLANET....... and having recently watched a friend bake their own bread (and without the aid of a 'breadmaker'), I can assure you it is not difficult and tastes delicious...... so get yourself prepared, you have plenty of time to practice.

Wednesday 27 August 2008

HONEY or NO HONEY panic or concern?


I heard today that the Honey Bee population has reduced by 30% this year, and experts believe they could disappear in the next 10 years. Consequently, English Honey may be hard to come by after Christmas! The reason for this decline is currently unknown except that a number of disease factors are in operation and other invertebrates living in apiaries are compromising the bees.

However, the Honey Bee is just 1 specie of bee, there are 260 other species of bee and 24 species of the Bumble Bee...... well I never....

Honey aside, and perhaps more importantly bees and other insects are of course essential for pollination, without this we would have no fruit/veg/cereal..... COFFEE!!!........starvation.........

Monday 25 August 2008

TRANSITION

Saturday I drove to Manchester and spent precious moments with my daughters and grand daughter. On the Sunday we hit the streets of Chorlton, and amongst other things we visited a gallery, studio, shop - Contemporary Design in the Art of Recycling, the artists present inspiring, contemporary, concept driven work harmonising skill and imagination in the processs of recycling discarded waste materials into free standing and framed artworks. I was tempted and purchased 4 coasters made from recycled glass and metal wire. www.40beechroad.co.uk


As the day came to a close, I did not wish to return to the North East and suddenly realised I did not know where 'home' is, earlier in the day a friend had said, "you are a bit of a gypsy." which hit me at the point of my realisation, maybe I am and maybe I always have been.....

I awoke this morning and felt a void in my life, I need to heal that feeling but not sure how to just yet. Maybe I am in transition again, a process by which people unplug from an old world and plug into a new world, we could say transition starts with an ending and finishes with a beginning. Perhaps the beginning has not yet begun!

SPECIAL TIMES

Friday, 22nd August had been spent with a dear friend who took me to explore Cragside House, an extraordinary Victorian house, gardens and estate – the wonder of its age. Cragside is in Rothbury, Northumberland, Home of Lord Armstrong – one of the North East's great Victorians. The first house in the world lit by hydroelectricity. A number of ingenious gadgets can be viewed in the house. The spectacular woodland estate is host to England's tallest Douglas fir which soars above other woodland giants, and is one of the red squirrel's last strongholds. There is also possibly the largest rock garden in Europe and a tricky rhododendron maze and adventure playground.

Althouth the rain fell, as it has for what feels like most of this month, we did not let it spoil our day and enjoyed ambling through the house and marvelling at the history, art and architecture before us, followed by a short walk aroung the gardens. I will remember this day.

Friday 22 August 2008

JOURNEY OF DISCOVERY


Journey of discovery begins in the North East of England, having spent most of my life in the North West. First observation was of the beauty of the landscape that is never too far away, even from the cities of Newcastle and Durham. Durham has beauty in it's own right, as I made my first journey to my future home the view I will always remember was seeing Durham Cathedral and Castle rising proudly from the bossom of the city, welcoming me to my new home. Having since frequented the city on many occasions over the last year, I have found a variety of attractions, within this picturesque location. The main street shops are all readily available, as well as a small and select range of interesting curiosity, fancy goods shops, cafes and restaurants. The city also hosts different market themes in the main square. The walk up the cobbled street to the Castle and Catherdral is worth the hike, so far I have only been inside the Catherdral, which is a fine example of Norman architecture, it was begun in 1093 by Bishop William of St Carileph and remains largely as he conceived it. It was one of the earliest vaulted cathedrals in Europe and the first to employ rib vaults. These, combined with massive cylindrical piers, strikingly ornamented, create one of the most impressive of all English cathedrals.












The Cloisters


If you wish to enjoy the fresh air and escape the hustle and bustle of the city streets, a walk along the River Wear may be an attractive alternative. The pathways are tree lined and straddle the waters edge, crossing bridges and providing excellent viewing points of the castle and catherdral.